After two months on the east coast, I’ve returned to Tucson, AZ.
In reflection, these months have been about clarity and completion-a journey of releasing residual energetic patterns from the past so I may move ahead and embrace the next chapter of my life (no pun intended.)
Graciously I’ve witnessed changes in myself as well as the intimate people in my life. The amount of integrity and discernment I hold is directly reflected in others I engage with.
Clearing and completion. A knowing of what is mine, and what is not. The deepest knowing of my requirements-something that cannot be taken from me or given away-ever.
On June 7th my baby girl was married! I am grateful to be a part of such healing, love and joy as I walked beside her down the aisle and witnessed Jessica and Christopher share wedding vows with one another. It was a moment in time a mother will never forget.
In processing the events while they occurred I was able to see clearly the growth and healing I’ve experienced since I left my New York home back in 2008. Tears filled with gratitude as I recognized how my strength, determination and tenacity to continually open to life’s journey and learn what it means to get out of the way has brought me such grace and freedom. Below I share a huge learning opportunity I had in the midst of all this!
Walking today through the streets of my hometown I kept hearing my daughter’s latest comment, “You’re so much like your mother.” Her frustration is that I am not effusive. Clearly that was not a compliment. Yes, my mother has positive attributes yet I’m astute enough to know she didn’t mean it in that light. So I did what I do best I went deep within to seek the knowing around that statement-without judgment.
I know exactly what she meant. It came so clearly to me on my walk. My mother is not an emotional, effusive woman by any means. This has been painful to me in my life until I was able to let go and see her for who she is and not what I needed her to be. For those of you who know me, or have read my book, you are aware of the dynamics inherent in that statement
What I did realize this morning was a similarity my mother and I do have/had in common-the inability to receive from others.
This morning a memory flashed in my head that confirmed this beliefs accuracy. It was the day my boyfriend of two weeks gave me a present in celebration of my 14th birthday. It was a beautiful pearl ankle bracelet with our initials inscribed in the two hearts. All I remember was being so anxious and not wanting to open the gift. It was as if I didn’t know how to receive from this kind boy. I resisted until my girlfriend Linda (we were all sitting on her front steps) eventually prompted me to open the gift already.
That energetic imprint (although clearly received years before) continued to show up throughout my life as I always felt baffled and overwhelmed when others were generous and kindhearted. I had been afraid to receive. I had little foundation to trust in good intention! I simple didn’t believe I was entitled to receive good things. I always worried about the hidden agenda and questioned what where the strings attached. In that story it’s hard to be effusive. It wasn’t in my environment and it felt foreign to me energetically. I spent my life yearning for kindness and unconditional love yet I had no receptor to receive it. It had been shut off long ago. Wow this is how dis-ease is born and breed.
Of course the issues of trust and being able to give and receive are all tied together. TRUST! It is all about trust that you deserve to be loved and others are pure in their intention. It’s hard to feel that with no overt stimulus to learn from. I recognize that my inability to be an effusive person is a direct result of that imprint. I am not about hoopla and extravagance, emotionally or otherwise. I am all about simple and elegant-straight to the point-no fluff! That’s me!
That was the survivor in me. Maybe, just maybe, I will develop a yearning for a little more hoopla as I continue getting lighter and lighter in my amazing healing process. Who knows? I am grateful to have identified the feeling so I have a clearer understanding of this particular intrapersonal dynamic.
I also recognize my daughter’s desire and I honor and respect them as I do my own. I know as a result of this ah-ha moment I will be fully conscious, open and available for this expansion to occur. We have many amazing lifetime events ahead to experience shifting from old patterning to new.
To my readers, thank you for letting me share this part of me with you. I recognize without judgment, pain or grief I have been mutedover the years as a direct result of past life struggles (story) I also know I want to receive all the joys this world would love to give me-not only with my healing/ healing work but on all spiritual, emotional, and intimate levels.
I have been a witness to this joy and expansion over the past 9 years of my life. I will continue to hold my arms out widely and say, “I am here, I am open”
Can you identify a part of you that has been muted?
Do you allow your-self to be the receiver of such glorious gifts that surround you simply because you are who you are?
It is time to for all to soar!
It is time to open fully and completely
to all the beautiful gifts the Universe has to offer.
From my heart to yours,